Shift

Many bouquets of flowers graced our home in the past weeks. Some were in celebration of my mother’s birthday, and some were sent as blessings of recognition, light, and love following the death of my brother Michael. It still seems very odd to say. But I would say that it has, pretty much, sunk in by now. Tomorrow will be three weeks ago that we got the horrible news, that Mike left this world very suddenly.

Most of the flowers have now dried out. Three vases full remained in my mom’s living area yesterday. And, last night she asked me to take away the dead ones. So, this morning I squeezed three giant bunches of dead flowers into the trash: 2 from my mom, 1 from my living room. Only one pink and white arrangement remains by my mom. It is happy and uplifting and the flowers look like they could go another two weeks. I hope they do.

My world has gotten tinier recently. In so many ways. I have, out of necessity, made my home (the inside) the focus of what energy I have. This includes the operation of my home and the well-being of its inhabitants, and immediate family members. Realize that, if you don’t fall into that category, you are still important to me. But my limited energy and limited time in which I feel okay have made it necessary for me to pare down severely. It’s not new. I have been doing this for years. If you have ever tried to reach me by phone, you know it.

But, some good news that I want to share is that my home is no longer in mourning. We are thinking about more than loss right now. We have shifted from mourning (In the old days, they would have covered mirrors, etc.) to honoring. My framed picture of all of us, Mike in the center, will remain on my counter for as long as I need it to be. Honoring him and his memory. But, most of the tears have been shed. I will try now to connect happier memories when I think of him. I will believe that God knows what He is doing. I will believe that Mike completed what he was brought here to do.

Approaching my last IV chemo treatment. Ready to be strong during radiation treatment. Believing for a new life a year from now.

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