Dysfunctional Relationship of Sickness

I've had my share of dysfunction in my life.  Anyone who has been there will know what I'm talking about when I say that a person endures lots of sucker punches in a sick relationship.  You're going along, doing the right things, feeling as normal as a person can feel. Then it happens. All hell breaks loose on you and you are sitting there in terrible pain, wondering what happened, what you did to deserve it, and will it ever get better.
It's been many years since I had to deal with such a relationship.  My husband of 15 years is extremely loving, extremely predictable.  Some people hate predictability.  I love it. I've had enough of the unpredictable to appreciate knowing what is going to happen...as well as what is not going to happen.
Enter PSC. It's a non-human version of a dysfunctional partner. I had a few really good days recently.  I was able to forget the troubles and the bloodwork and the tests, the resulting money issues, and the pain. I was able to push through the fatigue and get a few things done. Anything exciting to the average healthy person? No. Pretty much grocery shopping, helping my mom with her toenails, and a little bit of sewing. For me, exciting.
Last night. PSC. I was struck (I thought of using the word reminded there. No, I was struck) with a painful reality. The same kind you get when pretending all is well in a bad relationship, then somebody goes on a drugging or drinking spree, or a violence spree. It was just like that. I had a horrible bout with pain. It wouldn't let go. I cried. My husband rubbed my back and prayed over me.
But this evil disease let me have just enough "normal" to make the pain more painful.
13 hours later, Im starting to return to normal consciousness. I had to get out of bed at 4PM because it was time for my medicine (4x daily). 
It's been many years since I've had a human relationship like that. Those relationships came to an end. Each of us went our separate ways.  I wish I could also walk away from PSC. But it's not like that.

Popular posts from this blog

Slave Diary

Image
Fifteen years or so ago, I was assigned a project in a college history class.  It was influential for me.  It made me aware of my interest in writing about people and social issues.  But more than that, it made an indelible mark on me.  It forced me, and hopefully my classmates, to examine and recognize a human plight that had been horribly real.  The task was to examine antebellum and Civil War social issues.  And I attempted to tackle the assignment through the construction of a Slave Diary.  My group counterpart would provide a juxtaposing view through the creation of a diary of a white plantation mistress.                                                                                The legal enslavement of people ended many years ago.  But there are such things that still exist.  Life is busy, and it is all too easy to overlook what others are going through.  Be it child sex trafficking, domestic violence, or the violent taking of infant lives, ignorance doesn't render these
Read more

66

Image
It is 4:50AM. I have hellacious acid reflux. I have consumed too many antacids. My rem ai ning option is to sit upright for a while with a cup of tea. I think it is helping. Chemo yesterday. I am now seeing a pattern to the first day of a cycle: i ncreasing fatigue and headache on the way home. Terrible headache and fatigue by the time we get home. Now reflux which is intense even for a seasoned GERD veteran like me. While lying in bed, it occurred to me that my body feels a bit like Route 66. Not the famous one. The infamous one. People who live near DC will know what I am talking about. Bill and I traverse this road to reach Georgetown University Hospital, where I am receiving treatment. I have lived in the DC area for decades, and I have never seen 66 not under construction. I am sure I never will. But, there is presently a new level of chaos which seems to have no limits. Early in the mornings, on our 90-minute drives (on good days), I am typically asleep by the time we are a
Read more

Great Expectations

Image
Some people have turned expectations into a dirty word.  I remember my first husband telling me that he did not want to get me a birthday gift because I expected it.   Absurd  I thought.  But I tried the concept anyway.  And I still got nothing.  To avoid the pain of never receiving, I learned to abandon my expectations all together.  Before I knew it, I came to expect nothing.  And my life still sucked.  After a few years of existing this way, I had a revelation.  Things had become so bad.  There was a lot of praying going on.  God, give me a man I can follow.  God, give me a man who sees me as a blessing, and not a curse.   I learned to come boldly and expectantly for my needs and desires.  And one day, it happened.  Just like that.  My request was fulfilled.  Would it never have happened had I not expected it?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that it did not happen until I asked for it and expected it.  So to those spreading the notion that expectations are somehow
Read more