Lean on Me





My mom is a devout Christian. Catholic her whole life, at 86 she prays the Rosary several times a day. Some people see this as a waste, or faith without works. I see it as an older person giving what they can, giving something that is valuable, doing something that is valuable (though not always valued).
Sometimes when I am talking to my mom, more often than I would like to admit, I complain of my woes and current life circumstances. Her typical reply is to tell me to pray to God and ask Him to help me with whatever is my dilemma, my obstacle du jour. Knowing that I do so regularly, I sometimes reassure her that I do. If in a particularly down mood, I have been known to just nod or shrug.
And I have many people besides my mom praying for me. There are people who know me, people who don’t know me, people who love me, and maybe even a few who don’t even like me. I am grateful for each prayer that goes up for me and my healing.
(Warning to all my grammar friends: many upcoming end-of-sentence prepositions. Artistic license. I have earned it.)
I had chemo yesterday. It still seems surreal just to say. I. Had. Chemo. Yesterday.
I did. I experienced something new: a high level of pain during the infusion. I am receiving the “gold standard” in cholangiocarcinoma treatment. Two powerful drugs: Gemcitabine and Cisplatin. The former is known for burning while being administered. I had experienced some burn from the first infusion or two. But yesterday was agonizing. We had to stop 3 or 4 times, run hydration, and start again. Capable of withstanding much pain and discomfort, I was unable to cope.
I prayed more than once throughout the treatment. God, please stop this pain. Please stop this pain. Eventually, it subsided. It did not stop completely. I did not get exactly what I prayed for. But I got enough relief to go on. And I was reminded of God’s numerous ways of acting in a life. I believe that God is bringing me healing. It is not happening overnight. It is happening on His time, in His terms. He has reasons. Many I may never know…something I have peace with.
I have no qualms with my God. My challenges lie with human beings (including myself) and this broken physical world, now my broken physical body. Through all this, I am reminded daily that God’s function in my life does not always include His swooping in like a superhero and vanquishing all my woes. Sometimes He simply walks beside me. Sometimes He simply stands close enough for me to lean on. And, in what seems unanswered prayers, I am learning (yet again) how to lean on Him.

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