Helping Myself Out

When I went through a divorce years ago, it was a lot of work. I should say, the bad marriage and leaving it were a lot of work. By the time the actual divorce happened, I was adjusting. It was all the back and forth and contemplation of a decision that was draining. Oh how draining.
Raised with lots of guilt, I constantly questioned myself. Am I doing wrong by splitting this relationship up? Am I giving up too easily? Am I just a drama queen who is exaggerating how unbearable it is?
Separate from that situation, I had total faith in myself. I try to live with integrity. I try hard at everything and it takes a lot for me to throw in the towel. I am definitely not a drama queen. Just ask my extremely functional second husband to whom I am very happily married. Lastly, I bear a lot before I complain.
All this knowledge about myself went out the window when it came to that bad relationship.
What I ended up doing was this. I made detailed notes of all of the things my ex-husband had done to me. I had developed this counterproductive defense mechanism which made me forget or minimize the things that had hurt me. It took some work to dredge up what I had purposely forgotten. But I ended up with a long and horrifying list of crimes. Some of them were actual crimes.
When I questioned my own sanity in the situation, I would look at the list and reassure myself that I had not imagined these things. It helped me to stay on the path away from the dysfunction.
So, now I am going through this again. This time, not with someone I chose, but with someone whom life chose for me.
In many ways this is harder. There are childhood memories. There are mutual friends and relatives. I question whether I am doing right or wrong? I question whether breaking ties will have any effect on my life or hers at all.
It's pretty painful. And I am questioning myself again. But I have this list.

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